By Denise Flaim

November 20, 2006

Forget sex, no matter what the flavor.

The biggest, baddest taboo in our society is death, says JoAnn Tuzeo-Jarolmen, a psychotherapist from Ridgewood, N.J. Her new book, “When a Family Pet Dies” (Jessica Kingsley Publishers, $14.95), brings the discussion down to hamsters in shoebox coffins and goldfish interred during those somewhat undignified burials at sea.

“Children do grieve,” Tuzeo-Jarolmen says. “They just don’t respond in the same time frame. Sometimes they’re so sensitive that they don’t express those feelings for a little while longer because they’re too painful to deal with.”

Adolescents are probably the worst offenders in this, she adds. “They’re so omnipotent and immortal that they want to show everyone that they’re not going to deal with it.” And because of busy social and school lives, they don’t see their parents dealing with the loss themselves.

Younger children, however, are attuned to your emotions, much as you might like to think that you can hide them. Even if they cannot understand the death of a companion animal on an intellectual level, “they do feel the loss, and also sense what their parents are feeling, Tuzeo-Jarolmen says. “They look at your eyes, face and expression,” and they just know.

This truth-seeking radar should give parents license to express their own grief. “It’s OK to cry with and in front of your children because you are their role model,” Tuzeo-Jarolmen stresses. “Parents who deny a child the freedom to express their grief can sometimes compound it.”

Case in point is the patient whose story prompted Tuzeo-Jarolmen to begin studying how children grieve for the animals they love. Battling a deep depression in her 20s, the young woman recalled that her parents had surreptitiously given away the family dog because he had grown too large. A couple of weeks later, she discovered he was killed by a car.

“She was guilt-ridden for 10 years,” Tuzeo-Jarolmen recalls. “The parents hadn’t told her that they were giving the dog away, and she fantasized that dog was running back to her.” Confronting those unresolved feelings helped her overcome her depression.

One reason why the death of a companion animal is underplayed is that “society doesn’t look at it as a significant loss,” Tuzeo-Jarolmen says. “But it depends on attachment. The stronger the attachment, obviously the worse the response to the bond being broken.”

An “outside” dog who lives chained to a doghouse might not prompt as strong a grieving response in a child as one who lives as a true family member in the home. Conversely, she notes, handicapped, isolated or depressed children get very attached to their animals and will react in kind to their loss.

As with our own species, rituals help. Tuzeo-Jarolmen suggests having a service or a memorial, with the child saying a prayer or some kind words. “Sometimes I ask kids to draw a time they enjoyed with their pet,” she says. “Or have kids make a memory box with the animal’s collar, food dish and toys.”

As hard as it may seem, honesty is indeed the best policy, even up to the point of euthanasia. “Let the child say goodbye. Tell the child the truth on a level they can understand,” Tuzeo-Jarolmen advises.

If the child is old enough to understand what death is, she suggests parents give him or her the opportunity to witness it: “You say, ‘This is what’s going to happen. The veterinarian is going to give Fluffy an injection, and he’s going to stop breathing. Do you want to say goodbye to him here? Or do you want to come with us?’”

That favorite cop-out, the euphemism, often boomerangs. “Kids think such incredibly concrete things,” Tuzeo-Jarolmen says, noting it’s no coincidence that children who hear that a beloved animal has been “put to sleep” have difficulty going to bed. “Or they might think, ‘If I’m bad, are they going to put me to sleep?’”

“Sent to the farm” is another one. “That’s a euphemism for killing the dog, no question,” she says. “I think that most children accept what parents say and don’t challenge that, but they know in their hearts what’s happened.”

The answer is simple, if draining: Give your children credit for being emotionally capable of handling what life brings, whatever the short-term upheaval or upset. “Kids are very resilient,” Tuzeo-Jarolmen says, “and parents don’t realize how much so.”

They - and you - will be better off for it.